


I'd Lose It All for You

by falindis



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Grey Warden Alistair (Dragon Age), Hawke Left in the Fade (Dragon Age), M/M, Mage Hawke (Dragon Age), Sided with Templars, The Fade, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:34:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23376217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falindis/pseuds/falindis
Summary: For the Inquisition to escape the Nightmare, one must be left behind. Hawke obliges, reminiscing his past with Anders through a series of flashbacks.Originally in Finnish, translated into English.
Relationships: Anders/Male Hawke
Kudos: 5





	I'd Lose It All for You

* * *

The Nightmare obscures the dream like a cloak.

It reaches out with thousands of claws, drowning out the unnaturally green glow of the skies above. For each dreamer this vision is different, as the Nightmare feeds on dreams themselves, perverts them to the shape of its own desires.

For Hawke, the Nightmare takes the form of an enormous spider. Innumerable eyes observe him from all parts of the creature’s body, and its low rumbling voice echoes deep within Hawke’s skull. It scratches the insides of his ears and grates his teeth, chilling his insides with a deep dark _cold._

*

_I never had the chance to tell you why I chose the templars._

_I wished to tell you then, but for some reason I could not. Maybe it was since the reason eluded even myself._ _I was a mage, after all. I betrayed my own._

_Perhaps a part of me thought it was fair, after you betrayed me. You used me, and yet I loved you still. I could not let go._

_You followed me through the broken streets of Kirkwall. You fought by my side, although the Justice in your veins burned and screamed the wrongness of it all. Mages. We were killing mages._

_At the foot of the Gallows you kissed me for one last time._

_"I will always love you”, you said._

_And you did._

*

“We’ll never make it in time!” calls out a voice behind Hawke. The Inquisitor. Her elven ears peek behind a mane of red hair. The mage Solas follows, holding her hand. Behind them come Cassandra and Sera. And finally, Alistair in his Grey Warden uniform.

“We must stall it somehow”, Alistair calls, drawing his sword.

At that moment Hawke knows what he must do. “Go. I’ll hold it back.”

*

_They never accepted you._

_Fenris was bitter, since I chose you over him. Varric claimed to understand, but his smiles and jokes concealed his hatred only poorly. The hypocrite Merrill saw a demon within you, although she herself had done business with spirits much worse. Aveline had never understood mages, and Isabela cared for no-one but herself._

_That is why they did not take it well that I left Kirkwall for you._

_I became a runaway again. The safe comfort of my mansion changed into a bed under the sky. Bodahn’s appetizing meals into the thin scraps of nature. The winter in the Free Marshes was cold and cruel._

_Yet I could not stay in Kirkwall. Everywhere I looked I saw what was before. That side of the bed you used to sleep on. That corner of the street where we met at night. That tavern where we sat on slow Sunday evenings._

_I rarely returned to the city. Varric did a decent job as viscount. He took good care of our house while we were gone. Yet he always called for my return._

_“I must go”, I replied every time. Varric smiled and nodded, but not as widely as he used to. He had taken up the habit of gifting me with bread and ale as I left. And that good tea that you enjoyed the most._

_“I’ll take it to Anders”, I said._

_“How is he?” asked Varric._

_“Well”, I lied. For I did not know how you truly felt. You no longer spoke to me, after all._

*

“The Wardens caused this”, claims Alistair. “I must…”

“No”, Hawke grunts in protest. “I freed Corypheus. He is my responsibility.”

The Inquisitor takes a look at Hawke. Then Alistair. Then back to Hawke.

“You can’t stay”, she says. There is compassion in her eyes – from one mage to another. Although Hawke has not known her long, they share their pain. “What will I tell Varric? Or Anders?”

*

_Sometimes when I closed my eyes, I could imagine your smile._

_At times I could hear you laugh._

_But day by day both moved further and further away. The divide between us grew ever wider, and I no longer heard your voice or saw your face._

_I tried to come back to you, but you were no longer there. There was no us. There was no you._

_The black feather in my hand was the only part of you I could hold._

_I still remembered your cold lips by the Gallows, the pain in your eyes and the darkness behind them. I shut it out, because I feared it, because I could not - I failed to - I wasn’t able to smother it. It had buried itself so deep within, that it was all that was left of you._

_I could not save you._

_After the battle I found you by the canal – or what was left of you then. Most of you had already been washed away with the water, together with your blood._

_I collected the black feathers of your coat and carried you with me, until nothing was left of the feathers except their barbs._

_“I will always love you”, I whispered, sitting alone in the wasteland, cooking a pot of that good tea that you enjoyed the most._

_The following morning I left towards Adamant. And no longer returned._

*

The Inquisitor is still looking at Hawke. Waiting for an answer. The gate out of the Fade shrinks ever smaller.

“Tell Varric that Anders will be fine”, Hawke replies. This time he smiles. It feels right. All is well at last. “For I am with him now.”

The gateway shuts between them.


End file.
